Heave Ho, Owen (The Postal Shanty)
Brandon Stover
[Verse 1]
Oh CHRISTMAS dawn on the frozen land,
While families feast and cheer,
Owen rises from his postal bunk
With rage and seasonal fear.
He dons his shorts (a cursed choice),
The wind screams “NOT TODAY,”
He kicks the truck like a loyal beast
And prays the route will end someday.
[Chorus]
HEAVE HO, YOU POSTAL DOGS,
The mail won’t walk, the mail won’t jog!
HEAVE HO, SIGN AND SCAN,
Owen fights Christmas, man vs. man!
[Verse 2]
A DOG named Buddy guards the gate
With teeth like sharpened oars,
A box marked “LIGHT” weighs twice the moon
And ruins Owen’s spine and hopes.
Grandma’s card reeks of coins and lies,
One package MOVED in his hands,
“OY, WHO ORDERED A TRAMPOLINE?”
He bellows to the silent land.
[Chorus]
HEAVE HO, YOU FROZEN CREW,
Amazon swore this’d fit in two!
HEAVE HO, DO NOT SLIP,
Route Nine waits to claim another ship!
[Bridge]
The scanner BEEPS like a cursed sea god,
Demanding blood or at least a scan,
Mariah Carey rises again—
The siren song that breaks the man.
An elf in a truck yells “MERRY CHRISTMAS!”
Owen growls, feral, eyes gone wide,
Slips on ice, regains his stance,
Refuses death out of pure postal pride.
[Final Chorus]
HEAVE HO, THE ROUTE IS DONE,
The war with the mail is barely won!
HEAVE HO, RAISE YOUR CUP,
If your gift arrived, he SUFFERED enough!
So sing of Owen, the frostbit king,
Of porches, dogs, and pain,
Christmas sails on first-class mail—
And Owen captains the insane.
Versions
Heave Ho, Owen (The Postal Shanty) (Version A)
Brandon Stover
Version A
Heave Ho, Owen (The Postal Shanty) (Version B)
Brandon Stover
Version B