Unhinged Mailman
Brandon Stover
[Verse 1]
It’s 5:12 a.m., Christmas morning,
Jesus is born, Owen is not okay,
He’s arguing with a frozen mailbox
Like it personally ruined his day.
He microwaves coffee twice, forgets it both times,
Puts on shorts in a blizzard (a crime),
And Santa’s like, “Man, I do one night,”
Owen’s like, “Cool, I do routes.”
[Chorus]
OWEN’S. DELIVERING. MAIL. ON. CHRISTMAS.
Against his will and common sense,
Amazon said “two-day shipping,”
Now Owen’s fighting a porch defense.
If you hear a scream in the distance,
That’s not a carol, that’s a man,
Signed, sealed, emotionally damaged—
It’s Owen, doin’ the best he can.
[Verse 2]
There’s a dog named Buddy (he is NOT),
There’s a driveway that’s just pure ice,
Someone ordered a 40-pound dumbbell
And wrote “light package ❤️” (lies).
Grandma’s card smells like perfume and coins,
One box is leaking… something alive?
Owen doesn’t ask questions anymore,
He just delivers and survives.
[Chorus]
OWEN’S. DELIVERING. MAIL. ON. CHRISTMAS.
While you’re eating ham and rolls,
He’s reenacting Home Alone stunts
On unshoveled concrete holes.
From HOA notes to live laugh love signs,
He’s seen things man should not see,
Signed, sealed, delivered, barely
A USPS cryptid roaming free.
[Verse 3]
The scanner beeps like it’s judging him,
Route 9 has no concept of time,
Mariah Carey plays again somehow,
Owen considers a life of crime.
An elf drives by in a lifted truck,
Says “Merry Christmas!” way too loud,
Owen waves with a broken soul
And slips but recovers like “I’m fine.”
[Bridge]
Breakdown (spoken/shouted)
“Why is this box warm?”
“WHO ordered a trampoline?”
“This house gets mail EVERY DAY.”
“Oh cool, another dog.”
[Chorus]
OWEN’S. DELIVERING. MAIL. ON. CHRISTMAS.
The final boss of holiday cheer,
If your package made it to your door,
Just know a man suffered severe.
He’ll come home smelling like snow and despair,
Hands frozen, spirit trashed,
But tomorrow morning—
He’ll do it again.
Because Owen.
[Outro]
So light a candle, say a prayer,
For mailmen brave and unwell,
Especially Owen,
Lord of the Route,
First-Class Warrior
Versions
Unhinged Mailman (Version A)
Brandon Stover
Version A
Unhinged Mailman (Version B)
Brandon Stover
Version B